Have you ever really sat down and thought about what your biggest fear is?  And I'm talking about real fear, not about being afraid of heights or spiders; I'm talking about being afraid of commitment or loss - something that you have to face in everyday life (if you're afraid of heights, you really don't have to face that everyday - see what I mean?). 

 

My boyfriend had to divulge this personal information about himself for a recent class assignment.  I thought it was interesting and tried to think of what I'm really fearful of.  Doug (my boyfriend) admitted that he was afraid of confrontation.  This was not a shock to me, as I knew that Doug avoided it at all costs, but I did not realize that it was his biggest fear.  Luckily for him, the nature of his job (working at a hotel) involves a lot of confrontation from disgruntled guests, so he is getting a lot of practice. 

 

After much thought, I've realized that my biggest fear is not being good enough or not accomplishing enough.  I wouldn't go as far as to say that I'm an overachiever who never slows down to smell the roses (or tulips).  And this fear may sound more like a positive thing than a negative thing because, essentially, I'm saying that I am a highly motivated and driven person; however, that doesn't mean that the fear doesn't exist.  I have just always wanted better things for myself than my mother ever accomplished.  She followed her dream of being a nurse after me and my two older sisters were born, but years later she began having problems with alcohol, weight, and prescription drugs.  Everything became about her and she no longer took care of any of her adult responsibilities - always making it my dad's problem.  Now, she has lost her nursing license, she is divorced, she doesn't have a job or a car, and she is all alone (of course there is so much more behind it than that).  My point is, my mother decided to let other people determine her successes or failures in life and I cannot do that.  I want to be in control of my successes and failures and I think that watching her become this way really gave me that fear - that I had to be driven, successful, and in control of my own "destiny."  I would say that this is one of the many good things that I've learned out of the horrible experience of growing up with a mother with these problems - see, there is always something to gain from every situation.

 

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